הנה בדיחות קורעות- על הפנים!

מכתב פתיחה

הנה בדיחות קורעות- על הפנים!חייים

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY

SICKNESS:
No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

AN OPERATION:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

DEATH:
Other than your own:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Your own:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

ALSO:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and soon. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.

We appreciate your cooperation,
THE MANAGEMENT

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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of eachone in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you boughtone at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrudeon your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolenceson your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"

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A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor familyon a farm and had to sleepon hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we couldonly have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleepon his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

"How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Mealson Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

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There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!! -- knocks him clean off the bar stool andonto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back upon the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!-- bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

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A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because heonly hasone eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because heonly hasone ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of courseonlyone eye andone ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up
with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to youon that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smileon his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does
in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because heonly hasone eye andone ear."

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The old farmer's mule had finally died of old age just before spring planting, so the farmer made a trip to town to buy another mule. His $125 didn't buy much, but he was satisfied with his purchase and he made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up the mule and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.

Early the next day, the old man returned. "Jim," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were countingon it for your spring garden." The dealer offered Jim his money back, but Jim said a bargain was a bargain, loaded the muleon his truck and left.

A couple of months later the mule dealer happened to drive by Jim's place and was astonished to see Jim working his gardenon a *NEW* $4,000 garden tractor. Honking his horn, he called Jim over and asked him how in the world he had managed to buy a tractor when not to long ago all he had was the $125 that he'd spenton the mule that died.

"Well", Jim explains, "After leaving with the mule, I had this idea. So I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize: Gardening Equipment. I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town."

"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment?"

"From you."

"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."

"I got it from you."

"Jim, all you got from me was a dead mule."

"I know, that's what I raffled off."

"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I'll bet that really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it."

"Naw, not really, theonlyone really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money back."

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"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

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A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lockon your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see, sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

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John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."

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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit inon his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin withone hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'goon,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa... What happened next?'"

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A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his
window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to
award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get my drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't
pay attention to him - he's a smart ass when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in this stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

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A kindergarten teacher was observing her class of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got toone little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But noone knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

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This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

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Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."

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One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job. A job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

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1. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

2. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

3. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

4. Are You Andy or Barney?

5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.

6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

7. I pay your salary!

8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officeronly gave me a warning, too!

9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just soone of us does.

10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

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An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time thereonce and wenton a blind date with the ugliest, meanest, woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

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Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are shorton time, they decide to playonly 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least forone of us, and spot $5on the lowest score for the day."

Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the roughon the 9th. "Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Sid.

After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat meon golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standingon your ball for the last five minutes!"

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The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The
accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase
behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he
say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't
have the guts to pull the trigger."

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Little Johnny lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and Little Johnny hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time.

The outhouse was sittingon the bank of a creek and Little Johnny determined thatone day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so Little Johnny decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek.

He got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the wood shed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, Little Johnny asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"

Little Johnny answered, "Yes".

Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."

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A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

People in glass houses shouldn't . . . run around naked.

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the . . . bug is close.

It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.

You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?

Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.

No news is . . . impossible.

A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.

You can't teach an old dog . . . math.

If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust . . . me.

The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.

An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution.

Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.

A penny saved is . . . not much.

Two is company, three is . . . The Musketeers.

None are so blind as . . . Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.

You get out of something what you . . . see picturedon the box.

When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.

There is no fool like . . . Aunt Edie.

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into
her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

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למה באנגלית?חרדייה מעמנואל!

אני אקרא בהזדמנות את הכול..

הנה עוד כמה!חייים

The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling.

"CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"

The wife was very upset, "What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"

The husband calmly replied, "This is to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving and you sit next to me..."

One night a guy took his girlfriend home. As they were about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.

With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"

Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh comeon! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh comeon! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" .

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" .

"Oh yes you can. Please?" ............ "No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you ... "

Out of the blue, the lighton the stairs wenton, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair

disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it."

Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....

'' TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE INTERCOM!!

A woman goes to England to attend a 2 week company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for

you?

The husband laughs and says: An English girl !!!

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how

was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you "

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?"

"What I asked for: the English girl?!"

"Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to

see if its a girl !!"

Kisson the hand - I adore you.

Kisson the cheek - I just want to be friends.

Kisson the chin - You are cute!

Kisson the neck - I want you.

Kisson the lips - I love you.

Kisson the ears - Let's have some fun.

Kiss anywhere else - You're the best

BOY : May I hold your hand??

GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!

BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.

BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me?

I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an hour.

PETER : Yes darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.

BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!

GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!

GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??

TRACY : I didonce. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

Man : You remind me of the sea.

Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?

Man : NO, because you make me sick.

Wife : You tell a man something, it goes inone ear and comes out of the other.

Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?

Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly!

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over whichone should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, " I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you haveon. " After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower " Who was that? "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?”

      Escaped Prisoner....
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he
runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns
butonly finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and
ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he getson top of her,
kisses heron the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there,                          the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably
spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do
what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous,
if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey.    I love you, too."

Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?
Old Man: Certainly not.
Young Man: Sir, but why ? What are you going to loose, if you tell me the time?
Old Man: Yes, I may loose something if I tell you the time.
Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?
Old Man : See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again

you will ask me the time.

Young Man: Quite possible.
Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and address.
Young Man: Quite possible.
Old Man:One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and came into

wish me.Then as a courtsey, I will offer you a cup of tea.After my courteous approach

you will try to come again. This time you will appreciate tea and ask who has made it.?
Young Man: Possible
Old Man: Then I will tell you that my daughter has and I will then have to introduce my young and

pretty daughter to you &; you will admire my daughter.
Young Man: Smiles.
Old Man: Nowonwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again. You will offer her to go

out for a movie together and a date with you.
Young Man: Smiles
Old Man: My daughter may start liking you and start waiting for you. After meeting regularly

you Will fall in love with her and propose her for marriage.
Young Man: Smiles
Old Man:One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love and ask for my

permission.
Young Man: Oh Yes! and smiles
Old Man: (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my daughter to a person like you who

does not even own a watch.

Queen Elizabeth, George Bush and Hosni Mubarak died and went all to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said: I miss England, I wanna call England and see how
everybody is doing there....
she called and talked for about 5 minutes...then she said: well, devil, > >how
much do I owe you????
the devil goes: five million dollars... five million dollars!!!
she made him a check and went to sit backon her chair....> > >
George Bush was soo jealous, he starts screamig, me too I wanna call > the United States,
I wanna see how everybody is doing too...he called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he

      said: well, devil how much do I owe you???? the devil goes: ten million dollars.....
      ten million dollars!!!!!! he made him a check and went to sit backon his chair.....
      Hosni Mubarak was extremely soooo jealous too...he starts screaming, I wanna call Egypt too,

I wanna see how everybody is doing there too, I wanna > > > talk to the ministers, I wanna talk to

everybody.....he called Egypt and he talked for about twenty hours, he was talking and talking

and talking....then he said:

     well, devil how much do I owe you???? the devil goes:one dollar.....
     onlyone dollar!!!!!
     The devil goes: well, from hell to hell it's local

Youngest Son: Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between "potentially" and " in reality"?

Dad: I will show you

Dad turns to his wife and asks her: Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars? Wife: Yes of course! I

would never waste such an opportunity!

Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?

Daughter: Waow! Yes! This is my fantasy!

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars?

Elder Son: Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I would never hesitate!

So the father turns back to his younger son saying:

You see son, "potentially" we are sittingon 3 million dollars, but "in reality" we are living with 2 bitches and a gay!

An old Arab man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was

very hard work.

Hisonly son, Abdullah, who used to help him, was being held by the FBIon suspicion of

aiding and abetting terrorists,

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Abdul,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this

year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my

troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Your Dad,

Mohammed.

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the biological weapons.

Love,

Abdullah.

Next morning, at 4a.m. the FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire

Area without finding any weapons. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,

Abdullah.

Thanks and have a good day

I like your thinking….

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sittingon a

fence and you shootone of them, how many will be left?"

She callson little Johnny.

He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says? "I have a question for YOU. There

are three women sittingon a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice

cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Whichone is

married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose

theone that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is theone

with the wedding ringon,... but I like your thinking."

An Arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint. your name please.

abdul aziz "

sex? "

six times a week!! "

no, no, I mean male or female! "

doesn't matter, sometimes even camel "

· **********

Teacher : what do you want to become?

lil johny : doctor !!

teacher : why?

lil j : coz its theonly profession where u can tell a woman to take off

her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

· **********

Woman complaining to dentist: it's so painful, i'd rather have a baby

than have a tooth removed.

dentist : make up your mind soon! i'll adjust the chair

75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.

On their first night both were crying. why???

coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything

An old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read:

BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.

The engraver shortened it to " RETURNED UNOPENED "

After spending the night with a young, sexy, passion woman. Sam rolled

over, and pulled a cigarette from his pants. He searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she hadone at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer."
He opened the drawer of the bedside table
and found a box of matches sitting neatlyon
top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

A Man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different

hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do

they do here?" He is told, First they put you in an electric chair for

an hour. Then they lay youon a bed of nails for another hour. Then the

German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moveson. He

checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He

discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Egyptian hell and finds that there is a long line

of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He

is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they

lay youon a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Egyptian devil

comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so

many people waiting to get in?"

The answer goes: "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair

does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the

devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in, signs the register

and then goes to the canteen..."

A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hiton her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hittingon you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went.

After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.
Lateron, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she askedonce more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of thisone call him... David Copperfield !

Egyptian Mom

  Mrs. Abdalla comes to visit her son Samir for 3 days in London where he
is studying. She finds out that her son lives with Vikki, a girl roommate.

  Mrs. Abdalla couldn't help but notice how pretty Samir's roommate was.
She suspects of a relationship between the two, and this hadonly made

Her more curious.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Samir volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Vikki came to Samir saying, "Ever since your mother
left, I've been unable to find the silver sugar-bowl. You don't suppose
she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down
and wrote:
Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar-bowl from
my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you left back to Beirut.
Love,
Samir

Several days later, Samir received an email from his Mother which
read:
Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Vikki, and I'm not
saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if
she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar-bowl

by now.

Love, Mom.

Lesson of the day...

Don't Lie to Your Mother...especially if she is Egyptian.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was,of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any childrenon Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.Onlyone of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer.....

Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She's theonlyone who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, this is the end of the joke.

**** Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

Men Keep scrolling

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point:

Women never listen.

The flight 000 was going to Tehran from London. When it gets close to
Tehran it starts having some kind of trouble. The pilot contacts the air tower at Tehran airport and asks for help:

"Tehran, this Captain Smith, flight 000, do you read me?"
"Felight 000, dis iz Tehran felight contorol, go ahead"
"Tehran, this is flight 000, we have a problem"
"Dis iz Tehran, vat kind of peroblem?"
"This is flight 000, we have lost power to our engines, please advise"
"Dis iz Tehran, I reed you, peleez check some sings for me, ok?"
"This is flight 000, go ahead"
"Dis iz Tehran, can you get emerzency pover to your enzines?"
"This is flight 000, negative, no power is available"
"Dis iz Tehran, can you peleez bering your altitutde to 20,000 feet?"
"This is flight 000, negative, our wing controls do not respond"
"Dis iz Tehran, can you peleez see if you can lover your veels?"
"This is flight 000, negative, landing gears are stuck"
"Dis iz Tehran, vould you pleeze repeet theez vords after me"
"This is flight 000, go ahead"
"Dis iz Tehran, repeet theez words peleez:
ASH'HADO ANNA LA ILAHA ELLALLAH VA ASH'HADO ANNA MOHAMMADAN RASUL ALLAH"

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a
large, beautiful
> parrot. There was a signon the cage that said
$50.00. "Why so
> little," she asked the pet store owner.
>
> The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should
tell you first that
> this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution,
and sometimes it
> says some pretty vulgar stuff."
>
> The woman thought about this, but decided she had to
have the bird
anyway.
>
> She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her
living room and
> waited for it to say something. The bird looked
around the room, then
> at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman
was a bit
> shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's
really not so bad."
>
> When her two teenage daughters returned from school
the bird >saw and
> said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
>
> The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh
> about the situation considering how and where the
parrot had been raised.
>
> Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home
from work. The bird
> looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."