.It's not your fault
They says you have to forgive
But how do you forgive about something like that
I don't want to forgive them
.I want to forgive myself
For that I felt like it's my fault
For punishing myself because of him
For hurting and starving myself
For trying to take my life because of him
For all the hate I gave to myself
For staying at places that hurts me
For not giving more effort
For the days I just wanna disappear and hurt myself
In the world that everyone tells you to regret your sins I just wanna give myself some grace and compassion
Because I want to believe that there's a higher power that loves me and believes in me no matter what
With all my "sins" with all my shit and flaws
With the doubts and the questions
Even if sometimes I can't believe and just want to throw everything so fucking far away
I want to believe that God exists and he has a plan for me
That I'm not here by mistake and I have purpose
That all the difficulties that he gives me are for a reason and will help me to find myself
I told her that l haven't prayed from siddur for several years and I'm using my own words
So this is what I'm doing right now
Writing and hoping that you see it
Writing and intending to you in the sky or wherever you are
I like to think you're in the sky cause it's so pretty and limitless
Tomorrow is fast day and I'm not allowed to fast
And it's hard but I know it's a good decision and from a really good reason
I hope I won't feel like this day is too harsh for me
I know it might be
I just want faith
And love
And kindness
And forgiveness
?Is that too much to ask
Aaaaaaaaaaaa
Just scream
Goodluck for us
.We need it
Goodnight girl
Hope you'll fall asleep soon
.You need it
