It's so odd that he called me
So strange
And it freaked me out
What am I that much of a danger to myself
And also it's so strange and hard for me that he's a man
And no I don't think I'll be over it in the next three months
And the special trauma treatment, if I'm gonna decide to do it and it's gonna be with a man I don't know what I'm gonna do
I just want hope
And faith
That what I said today
That is what I want to focus on this year
After all it went good
I was worried for no reason
But I'm exhausted
I need to sleep
But I can't stop thinking about that phone call
And what does that mean
Am I so dangerous to myself
Do I really need to notify him about every time I have an urge
God I hate this
It brings me back to a not so fun time
And I hate that I told her and she told him
I know it's not better to shut up and I need to speak up my feelings
But like he told me once a long time ago, you're always talking too much and it's backfiring at you
I know they just want to help me
And I know I'm probably just overthinking and overreacting again
But God I hate my brain and my heart
So much stuff happened today and I almost forgot about the weighing and the tears and the thought that I gained weight again but it wasn't actually true
But it is the biggest number I've ever been in my entire life
And it's fucking hard
And today that made me cry
And I know that the period probably affects me as well but it all seems so real and relevant and nothing seems made up and stupid
Aaaa I need to sleep
Good night girl
Hope you sleep well
Love you mean it hate you kidding
Or something like that